Monkey Diaries Archive

I think I'm a relatively simple man. Nothing too complex about me as far as I'm concerned. I don't ask for much, er, so long as you believe that giving people the respect they extend to you is not asking for much. Which is true. I will never ask something of someone that I don't ask of myself. In other words, I talk the talk but walk the walk to quote Johnny Cash. I'm also incredibly black & white. I don't believe in gray areas. If I say something, I mean it. I don't make promises I don't intend to keep (and 99.9% of the time, I keep them!). And never, ever, under any circumstances do I hide secret messages in what I say. For instance, if I don't feel like dealing with someone's shit, and they ask me, "Is there something wrong?" I won't say, "There's nothing wrong..." which is just a veiled way of saying, "yes there is something wrong and I'm gonna make you work to discover what it is!" What I will do is say..."Yes, there is something wrong you fucking moron! For the last fucking time, don't leave fucking trash on the fucking floor when there is a fucking trash can in the fucking next room!" Not that this actually happened but I'm just creating something to illustrate my point. I'm very simple is what I'm getting at. Some people try to make me out to be more complex than I really am and it hurts my head having discussions with these people because they will read into my comments, tone, mannerisms, aura and tea leaves for that fucking matter. So, just so there is no confusion, I've developed an easy to use library of phrases you may hear me say, followed by what you may think I mean and the exact translation of what I really mean...ready? Ok, here we go: If I say: "Gee, you look great!" You may think I said: "Gee, I think you're fat enough to change the air pressure in a close space you fucking pig!" What I actually mean is: "Gee, you look great!" If I say: "You know, I'm not really into doing that today, could we do something else?" You may think I said: "You're a fucking freak, stand back...do you have any lysol disinfectant?" What I actually mean is: "You know, I'm not really into doing that today, could we do something else?" If I say: "Call me later if you want, ok?" You may think I said: "Don't call me cause I'm tired of you're fucking piss poor attitude and general fucked up emotions!" What I actually mean is: "Call me later if you want, ok?" If I say: "I gonna play golf with so-and-so tomorrow." You may think I said: "I'm cheating on you with my ex-girlfriend because you make me physically ill." What I actually mean is: "I'm playing golf with so-and-so tomorrow." See the way that works folks? I say something and inspite of whatever twisted thought that diseased piece of tissue you use to think with might tell you...I really mean exactly what I said, word for word, no translation necessary! It makes it really easy for you... Just to help you out even further, here's a multiple choice quiz on the lesson above. Ready? Ok...here we go: I say: "I'm hungry." Do I mean: a) "I think you should get the fuck out of my life, you loser!" b) "I want to go hang out with someone else now, goodbye!" c) "I'm hungry." or d) "I'm bored by your weak mental abilities and making you perform mental gymnastics no longer brings me the thrill it once did, be gone with you, you complete waste of tits, snatch and variously misplaced hormones!" While sometimes you may think the answer is D, it is actually, yes, believe it or not, C!!! That concludes the lesson for today...and if the person I asked kindly not to read this blog (because she is incapable of refraining from reading into my postings as well as reading into anything that escapes my mouth), is reading this right now, shame on you...and don't mention this post because, yes, it is entirely about you and your inability to refrain from reading into what I say! Pfffft!

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