Monkey Diaries Archive

The things in life that I find the most important have always been fleeting things. Success. Happiness. Love. I panic when faced with losing these things that I value hence my proclivity towards always knowing where something or someone is. It's a bit fucked up in so much as it makes things difficult for those around me. Back in the day when I smoked pot, it helped but I knew that it was a temporary solution to a permanent problem. It numbed the senses but didn't alleviate the feeling of responsibility. Over the last few days I've watched myself lose something that is important to me. The worst part is that I could see it happening, knew that it was my fault and didn't know how to stop it from happening. Not that I didn't know what it was that I needed to do, it's just that I didn't know how to get started. That said, any attempt to rectify the situation would be seen as damage control (at least in my warped mind) and that is never a good thing. Unfortunately, anger is always my first reaction in such instances and it only made things worse. I said some pretty stupid things (as I always do when I get angry) that should have remained unsaid. But like all lifes lessons, it came too late. Today I'm going through the gamut of emotions I possess (those may be few but the one's I do have are incredibly strong). Now, I'm in the acceptance and hope stage. I accept that I caused this to happen and I hope that I will be given another opportunity to fix the mess I've made. I'm going out with some friends tonight in the hope that I can at least put the empty feeling to rest if only for a few hours. What is normally my favorite month of the year is quickly becoming my least favorite if the course remains in the direction that it is now in. I have no one to blame but myself unfortunately. Hope you all have a good weekend and make sure to say something nice to the people you care about.