Monkey Diaries Archive

By popular demand, more Dear MITH letters and my timely, soothing advice for the world weary: From: Cheap_Date To: E! Subject: Office Party Politics Have you ever heard of having to pay for your own meal at a company office party? The menu is $45-50 per person! How can I suitably voice my displeasure without getting fired? From: E! To: Cheap_Date Subject: RE: Office Party Politics Dear Cheap_skate The only office party I've ever actually attended wasn't one I was invited to. I'm a big fan of gatherings, parties in particular, but I dislike most people in general and more specifically, all the people I work with. While ironic, it makes company sponsored social situations sticky to say the least. In fact, I'll go on record as saying that I'd rather have my skin removed slowly by a potato peeler than to waste precious time with a host of inebriated coworkers... But I digress and you do have a dilemma. Here's how I would tactfully and gracefully let my superiors know how displeased I was... subtlely as to avoid termination of course. 1. You'll need about 3 OZ of fresh fish, (any fish will do but for such delicate work, I prefer a nice Atlantic salmon) a screw driver & a crescent wrench. 2. Get to the office early or on a weekend so that you can work unobserved and uninterrupted for 30-45 minutes. 3. Go into your boss' cubical or office and take apart his chair so that the seat is separated from the base. 4. Slide the three OZ of fresh fish into the tube that supports the seat. Replace seat, making sure to put all the screws back exactly as you found them. 5. Sit back and wait a few days and watch him go mad slowly trying to discover the source of the evil smell emanating from his office. While this won't change the fact that you have to pay for your meal at the company party, it will sure make you feel better. From: Publish_or_Perish To: E! Subject: Novel Idea I was just reading some of the short stories you posted on your blog. Your writing style seems to be a cross between Pee Wee Herman, David Sedaris and Edgar Allen Poe. I'm sure plenty of people would be drawn to your style if it was more accessible. Any plans to write a novel? To: Publish_or_Perish From: E! Subject: RE: Novel Idea Dear Publish, Personally, I like to believe that I'm more of a cross between the thinking man's Pee Wee Herman and Gloria Steinem with a penis (cause let's face it like me, Pee Wee's a little bit country and Gloria is a little bit rock n roll) but thanks for reading. I've tossed around the idea of writing a book much like Ernest Hemingway tossed around the idea of buying another shotgun. The thought itself has always on my mind but never seems to make it down to my fingers. Most recently, when I was laid off from my dotbomb job, I seriously made a play to write the "great Mexican American novel" but never got around to it. You'd be surprised how much time is consumed by filling out the weekly Unemployment Insurance forms. After composing the various stories I needed to concoct in order to have my benefits extended, very little creativity was left over for any actual novel passages. If I ever get around to it, I'll let you know though. From: Scared_Shitless To: E! Subject: Friendly Monkey Sex My best friend (of 11 years), and I have been discussing expanding our relationship (To an intimate one). We click like I have never clicked with anyone.... especially a woman. We are both scared shitless that it will kill this great friendship we've had over the years. Would crossing that bridge to have hot monkey sex doom our friendship? From: E! To: Scared_Shitless Subject: RE: Friendly Monkey Sex Dear SS, I've been in this situation before and I can unequivocally say from similar experiences in the past, that you should never have sex with a monkey. They bite, are selfish lovers and hold grudges like you wouldn't believe (I won't even get into their penchant for flinging excrement when agitated!). As far as what you should do with your "friend," success truly really is up to both of you. If you're as good friends as you say, sex shouldn't ruin anything. Sex with complete strangers is just as likely to end in misery as sex with someone you're close to. If you cross that bridge and it burns behind you, then the you probably weren't really friends at all. As Bo Jackson once told me outside the petting zoo at the state fair, Just Do It. From: Lost_in_NewFoundland To: E! Subject: Peanut Butter I misplaced my peanut butter... do you know where it is? From: E! To: Lost_in_NewFoundland Subject: RE: Peanut Butter Second shelf in the pantry, behind the Bisquick.