Monkey Diaries Archive

To: E! From: Gullible_Goober Subject: Second Chances Dear E!, I talked with someone the other day who I haven't seen or spoken to in almost 2 years - with fairly good reason. This was an old friend of mine who I parted ways with about 2 years ago, after we found out she had been lying about some people in my social group and basically committing a whole host of unfortunate acts. Then out of the blue, she IM'd me. She was nothing but nice and good natured as we talked. She congratulated me on my recent marriage and I was happy for her when she told me of her latest developments. It left me feeling pretty positive, but quite unsure if I had just had an honestly nice exchange, or if I had been duped. I can actually be quite gullible when it comes to people I care about. Which I suppose could be seen as an endearing quality, though it is often to my detriment. I want to believe this person has changed. I certainly have, so it's altogether possible she has as well. Oh, but I do wonder and worry. So here's my question: Do you look for the best in a person and give them the benefit of the doubt? Or do you judge them based on past experience, even if that experience was long ago and possibly not valid anymore? To: Gullible_Goober From: E! Subject: RE: Second Chances Usually, someone's best falls miserably short of my expectation so perhaps asking some other mortal might get you a less trite answer but I'll give this a shot. Luis Pastuer, once said, "In the fields of observation chance favors only the prepared mind." I revised that a bit and changed it to read: "Second chances are for complete idiots." Of course, that was when I used to be a part of the school of thought that said, "people don't change," which in turn meant that all was right with the world and I was never surprised or disappointed. The problem was, some people learn valuable lessons from their mistakes. It took me a while to learn this since, well, I don't make mistakes so I had to rely on others to point out the flaws in my theory. As such, to jettison a friend from your sphere of influence FOREVER is a difficult decision to make. Unless they've destroyed your autographed picture of Bruce Willis, serious thought should be given to whether or not they deserve a second chance. So, that said, I tend (now) to look at the whole of a relationship before deciding to give someone the benefit of the doubt. Call it an educated gamble. If they've proven time and time again that they put their interests above that of the friendship, then it's wise to tell them why you're ending the friendship and ask them to give you a call when they decide that they can abide by your wishes not to fuck you over. Tred carefully on ground you've already trodden or more to the point, be careful when letting someone back into your life after she/he has proven their inability to treat you with respect. But to more specifically answer your questions: Giving people the benefit of the doubt will disappoint you more often than not... so, don't do it. Rely on experience but be adaptable to situations and personalities. Afterall, a leopard can't change it's spots, so to speak, but you can have it declawed and have it's fangs blunted.