Monkey Diaries Archive

Interestingly enough, when you post your e-mail addy on a webpage, you get mail. Granted a lot of it just lets me know that my penis is woefully undersized, that I have already "won," or that I can get free access to teenage cheerleader sluts spanking animals for fun and profit. While I should probably pay heed to the first, neither of the latter two topics interests me much since I already know I'm a winner and I've had my fair share of real cheerleaders and I can unequivocally say that they have no interest in spanking any animals (a concept that I still find mystifying). The other type of mail I get pretty frequently is of the request for help. Apparently, some people read my little missives and get the impression that I am wise... or at the very least, good for a laugh. Well, here is a collection of the emails I've received recently and my answers to them. Feel free to send me an e-mail with any questions you may have about the pursuit of the good life, liberty and a really bitchin' cheese steak recipe. The names, of course, have been changed to protect the innocently guilty. From: Itchy_Trigger_Finger To: E! Subject: Two Men Move You Dear E! Long time reader, first time emailer. The other day, you posted a bit about your GF moving out. I've been dating this guy for about four years and I'm moving in with him in January and was wondering what I should expect. Any advice? From: E! To: Itchy_Trigger_Finger Subject: Re: Two Men Move You Dear Itchy, Two words... run like your ass was on fire! Kidding of course! You can expect pretty much the same thing most newly weds experience which is a time of euphoria (the honeymoon), then a time of stagnation (the marriage), then a time of heavy litigation (the hot angry breakup sex). Of course, your mileage may differ but the truth is that you get what you put into it. Just don't make the same mistakes I've made. Which is to say, don't ever speak to each other. All communication should be done naked and sweaty. From: Mean_Girl To: E! Subject: Breakup Song Dear E! First I want to say, you're incredibly mean! Where have you been all my life? Okay, onto my question. I'm about to breakup with my boyfriend and need some advice. He's been a real asshole and I want to write something that clearly let's him know that I don't want him even thinking of me, much less calling me ever again. How do I do it? From: E! To: Mean_Girl Subject: Re: Breakup Song Dear Mean Girl, Break up notes are not really my forte since I usually just get girls to break up with me. Although I have seen my fair share of breakup notes aimed at me. Here's one of my very recent favorites...

Dear E! Winter is traditionally the end of the year. The moment in time when we should prepare to renew in the spring and jettison all the unnecessary turmoil from our lives. Unfortunately, after two months of trying to fit you into my view of happiness, you've fallen miserably short. While in this instance, it would be nice of me to say something cliche like, "It's not you, it's me!" truth is, it is you. The void in my life that should be filled by a significant other is still a gaping wound that just reminds me how little you offer me in the way of comfort much less passion. I've seen more heat generated by a penlight battery. Aside from the fact that your clothing rarely ever matches much less conforms to any semblance of style, you really must be colorblind or you dress in the dark. No hard feelings but you really deserve less than I'm willing and able to give. Good luck and don't let the fact that you know my number keep you from forgetting me and moving on with your pitiful existence.

That should just about do it, Mean_Girl. Oh, and if you need a way around a good restraining order, I've to just the lawyer. From: Diet_Dude To: E! Subject: Exercise Tips Date: Wed, 4 Dec 2002 12:09:03 -0800 E!, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? From: E! To: Diet_Dude Subject: Re: Exercise Tips Diet Dude, A recent article in the Journal of Medicine pointed out that a human heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it. Don't waste them on exercise. Ours being a consumption oriented society means that everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. From: hater____ To: E! Subject: I love him E! My boyfriend is moving to New Zealand, and I'm just getting really bad advice from girlfriends. I'm torn and don't know if I should end it now and be done with it or ride it out for the next few weeks, possibly being miserable the whole time waiting for him to leave me. What do you think I should do? From: E! To: hater____ Subject: Re: I love him Dear Hater____, You'll be miserable with him or without him, right? Hell, misery loves company I always say! You're already in too deep to back out now. You love him, be with him if he want's to share the remaining time with you. Letting him go will be difficult even if you walk away now... But, I respect that you're actually trying to figure out a course of action rather than listening to your buffalo-assed girlfriends... what your girlfriends know about stable, functioning relationships could probably fit in a thimble. Here's a good time to say, that my ex's damn girlfriends have ruined more of my relationships than my weight problem... or my male pattern baldness... or my lack of style.... (ending this since the list is endless).