Monkey Diaries Archive

I'm thinking of starting my own religion. I can't think of anyone I'd rather follow than me so why not make it official and open the path to enlightenment to other hapless souls in search of the answer to the difficult questions in life? Of course, when you plan the course of your religion you want to make sure that you steer clear of the pitfalls that befall many upstart religious philosophies... like attaining cult status. Mostly, you just need to have place to store all the money your group will eventually generate. I know what you're thinking, what kind of moron would start a church whose sole purpose is to generate ungodly sums of money? Well, if that's your question, I'm just the kind of moron you've been looking for. And since I'll be calling my group, The Church of the Divine Profit, it should be easy to hear the cash registers ringing from the moment I take my rightful position behind the pulpit, expousing my views on humanity, suffering and blue chip stock tips overheard on Muni. My church will be a church acceptance. No sin is to big or too small, one price takes care of them all! Monthly membership fees will be based on a number of factors, the least of which is what your deviant proclivities happen to be. But be rest assured, my church will not shun you nor will it even pass judgement so long as your account remains in good standing. I'm thinking of even having sub sects like "frequent sinners club" so that those people with huge deviant appetites can purge their sins in one monthly meeting. Any takers?