Monkey Diaries Archive

Guest reporter: Mike Tyson Firtht of all... I want to ttthhank my good friend E for letting me expreth my thoughth about latht nighths boxing match over on the souththide of Chicago. Leth face it... I'm a man and I know a thing or two about mixing it up in and out of the ring with both old people and young girls. Actually, ith cause of the fact that i like mixing it up outside of the ring with young girlth that I also know sumpthin about prison which is the likely dethtination of these two particthipants. Quick note to those guys... don't drop the soap! So, last night two of the finer exthamples of Chicago's brain trust set foot on the hallowed ground of Comithky park and let loose a barrage of blows that couldn't have knocked down a paper bag much less a grown man. Don't get me wrong America cauth I can apprethiate that these two guyth tried to exthpreth themselves by their exhibition of fithticuffs and tried also to valiantly carry on with the tradition of thug life. But leth face it, a fire hydrant could have dodged any one of them punches. See, the firtht blow from the older dude landed jutht behind the baseball geezthers left ear. If I had thrown that punch, it would have ripped off the entire left side of his head and possibly everything below his shoulder. But this older thug swung like a girl. Not jutht once or twice, but all of his attempts to batter the poor old batheball geezther landed far from their intended target. Hell, the old batheball geezther landed the best blow of the night from his back when he crotch kicked the young dude in the nuthtz. Yeah, America, the old batheball geezther is just lucky I didn't go in there and kick his ath cause I would have hit him tho hard hith momma would have felt it no matter what corner she was working that night! Unfortunately, what had thtarted out ath a good evening of beer and criminal behavior quickly turned into a melee (thanks for teachin me that word E!). Not content to let their aging firtht bathe coach get the intangibles knocked out of him, the entire Kanthath Thitty batheball team beat the two souththide hooliganth like screen doorth in a hurricane. One Kanthath player was seen repeatedly drop kicking the older hooliganth head into the cheap theats. So what was on the surface a fair fight, quickly ethcalated into a mithmatch (hey, see E! I was able to get a reference in there back to your blog, MITH!). Thankth for lithtening a I hope E leth me take over the nexth time he hath to run outta town!